


Love The One You Hold

by the_sky_is_forever



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-28
Updated: 2015-02-28
Packaged: 2018-03-15 16:05:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3453443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_sky_is_forever/pseuds/the_sky_is_forever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Enjolras pulls a face that brings a soft smile to Grantaire’s wine-stained lips. “You can come back to mine,” Enjolras insists. “I’m not going to leave you alone while you’re like this.”<br/>-<br/>For reasons that Grantaire cannot fathom, Enjolras takes to bringing Grantaire back to his place and letting him stay the night. This isn't the easiest thing in the world for Grantaire - being as in love with Enjolras as he is - but when has he ever denied Enjolras anything?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love The One You Hold

**Author's Note:**

> the original title for this was "i could love you in secret" and then it was "stay with me" before i finally settled on this one, which is a lyric from mumford & sons' song lover of the light

The first time it happens, Grantaire’s eyesight is blurring and his head is on the table, so close to drifting off to sleep. Despite this, he can see Enjolras in complete clarity, looking like an Angel sent to Earth.

Enjolras sits down next to Grantaire, and the dark haired man lifts his head slowly. “Apollo,” he slurs. “Have you descended from the stars, all for me?”

Enjolras just looks at him, for a long moment, and his expression isn’t one of anger or irritation for what might be the first time ever – that’s not quite true; he regularly smiles, laughs even, when talking with Courfeyrac or Combeferre, sometimes even Jehan or one of the others; just never when he’s looking directly at Grantaire. Still, Grantaire can’t place the look, or tell what it says. “Come on,” Enjolras says, his voice quiet. “You should go home.”

“Madame Houcheloup will let me sleep,” Grantaire explains, and Enjolras sighs.

“Please, Grantaire.”

Enjolras saying his name stirs something inside of him and he accidentally lets the words slip out, “But should I be alone in such a state?” Enjolras blinks and Grantaire blunders on, “You: you will just take me home and leave me there. Here, the wonderful Madame will take care of me, or at least set one of her staff to watch over me.”

Enjolras pulls a face that brings a soft smile to Grantaire’s wine-stained lips. “You can come back to mine,” Enjolras insists. “I’m not going to leave you alone while you’re like this.”

The blond holds out a hand for Grantaire to take and says, “Come on, Grantaire.”

Grantaire doesn’t take Enjolras’ hand, in a moment of self-preservation, knowing that if he does, he would never let go.

Enjolras, true to his word, takes Grantaire to his home, insisting he take his bed. Grantaire knows that this is wrong and that he shouldn’t be there, but Enjolras won’t have it any other way, so Grantaire lies on Enjolras’ mattress and does his best to ignore the way it smells of a certain blond-haired revolutionary.

Enjolras disappears, to God knows where, and Grantaire allows himself to drift into an unconscious state.

When he wakes, Enjolras is in the bed next to him, sound asleep, not a single part of them touching. Grantaire lets himself out of the house without a word and only looks back maybe once or twice.

-

The second time, two nights later, Grantaire is once again too drunk to function properly, and everyone save Enjolras and he has gone home. He’s just sitting there, gazing at Enjolras as the man sits at a table, writing something onto a piece of paper, and he smiles softly as the man pushes a strand of blond hair back from his eyes.

Grantaire’s head hurts, just a little, and when Enjolras glances his way he’s not quick enough to act like he wasn’t staring.

Enjolras lets out a sigh and gets to his feet, gathering his things. “Come on, Grantaire.”

Grantaire blinks.

“You need to sleep,” Enjolras emphasises and Grantaire nods blearily, helpless to do anything else.

“Where are we going?” Grantaire asks, his eyelids drooping.

Enjolras just looks at him for a long moment, and he finally says, “To mine.”

Enjolras helps him out of his seat, and grimaces just a little at their close proximity. Or maybe it’s the brandy on Grantaire’s breath.

When Enjolras helps him into his bed, he stops and sits on the side of the bed, looking down at the drunk. “Why do you do this to yourself, Grantaire?”

Grantaire tells him he does not know, and the lie sits uncomfortably in the air between them.

“Go to sleep,” Enjolras tells him, standing up and pulling off his jumper.

Grantaire immediately freezes, watching Enjolras take off his outer-layer of clothes. Enjolras glances at him. “Stop watching me,” he protests, freezing in the action of pulling his tie from round his neck.

Grantaire, drunk and tired, merely shrugs and rolls onto his side, looking up at Enjolras. Enjolras sighs and continues to strip, obviously not minding too much about the presence of a drunk.

When Enjolras takes of his shirt, Grantaire knows he should look away, but still he doesn’t. He swallows as his eyes trail over Enjolras’ pale form.

Enjolras glances at him, a slight blush on his cheeks, and he quickly gets into the bed, turning away from Grantaire.

“Are you alright?” Grantaire whispers into the dark, looking at Enjolras’ back. When Enjolras doesn’t answer, Grantaire continues. “Because, well, you’re being kind to me and that’s quite unusual, actually.”

Enjolras sighs, heavily. “Just go to sleep, Grantaire.”

“You got it, Boss,” Grantaire answers. Enjolras lets out a huffing sound, that could almost be a laugh, and because of that, Grantaire falls asleep with a smile on his face.

The next morning, when he awakes, Grantaire’s hand is resting gently on Enjolras’ forearm. Skin to skin. Grantaire’s heart jumps. He pulls his hand away, faster than if he’d gotten burned.

Enjolras is asleep on his back, his hair a halo, and his face turned ever so slightly in Grantaire’s direction. He’s nothing short of beautiful and Grantaire allows himself a moment in which to look before he climbs out of the bed. Arranging the sheets so Enjolras’ body is covered, he feels a little ill.

Twice now he’s slept by Enjolras’ side.

He doesn’t deserve this.

Enjolras stirs, blinking and looking up at him. “Are you leaving?” Enjolras asks.

Grantaire manages a half smile. “Yes, I am. Thank you for letting me sleep by you. It’s an honour I never thought I’d get.”

Enjolras frowns a little at that, still clearly half asleep. He doesn’t give an answer so Grantaire leaves.

-

The next day, Grantaire almost trips at the top of the stairs, but someone grabs him under his arms, pulling him back up. “Careful there. You might get hurt.”

Grantaire looks round, his face lighting up in a smile. “Enjolras,” he says, happily.

Enjolras looks down at him, seemingly both angry and amused – an expression that surely only Enjolras could pull off. “I wish you wouldn’t get drunk like this, Grantaire.”

“But it’s so much easier,” Grantaire tells him. “You should try it. Actually, no don’t. You’re too good for that. You,” he pats Enjolras on the shoulder, “keep being you.”

Enjolras does laugh then, softly. “Let’s get you home,” he says, helping Grantaire put an arm around him and all but carrying him down the stairs, struggling a little under Grantaire’s weight.

Grantaire gazes at him adoringly the whole way there.

When they arrive at Enjolras’, Grantaire frowns. “Is your place home to me now?”

“While I don’t think you can look after yourself, yes,” he responds. Enjolras pushes the door open, holding it with his foot while he helps Grantaire through.

“I can look after myself,” Grantaire protests, feebly.

“No, you can’t,” Enjolras replies distractedly as they start up the stairs.

After heaving Grantaire into the bed, Enjolras kneels next to him on the bed and says, “I’m going to take off your jumper and your jeans, don’t freak out on me here.” Grantaire barely manages a nod before Enjolras’ nimble fingers start to undo his belt.

He holds his breath, trying not to freak out. He doesn’t think he could help if he tried. When he’s done, and Enjolras turns his attention to his own clothes, Grantaire turns away from him, squeezing his eyes shut.

Enjolras lies down beside him; Grantaire can feel the dip in the mattress.

After a while of lying in the dark, Grantaire has to ask. Keeping facing away from Enjolras, he whispers his question.

“Do you know that I’m in love with you?”

“Unsurprisingly, yes, I do, Grantaire,” is Enjolras calm answer.

Grantaire curls in on himself a little tighter. “Then- If you know- I mean- Why are you letting me be here?”

He feels Enjolras roll over to look at him though Grantaire keeps his back to the other man. There’s a gentle touch to Grantaire’s side, light, almost undetectable. Grantaire tenses. Enjolras’ hand moves forwards until he finds Grantaire’s hand, twisting their fingers together, his front almost pressed against Grantaire’s back.

“Go to sleep,” he whispers.

Enjolras stays where he is, hand linked with Grantaire’s, curled around him, almost protectively. Grantaire finds it hard to sleep, but he doesn’t want to say anything, for fear of Enjolras sending him away.

Is he getting what he’s hoped for? He doesn’t think so, but he’ll take what he can get.

-

He’s not even that drunk, this time. Barely tipsy. Joly and Bossuet spent the evening monitoring his alcohol intake and they had only one bottle of brandy between the three of them. Some drinking buddies they are.

Even so, at the end of the night, when everyone else has gone home, Enjolras still comes over to him and offers his hand.

Grantaire stares up at him. “Are you sure?”

An almost irritated look crosses Enjolras’ face, and Grantaire gets to his feet immediately. He doesn’t take Enjolras’ hand, and the blond lets his arm drop to his side.

They walk in silence towards Enjolras place, and Grantaire doesn’t even question their destination.

However, when they both climb into the bed, Grantaire quietly asks, “Are we going to talk about this?”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Enjolras replies, rolling onto his side, away from Grantaire.

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Grantaire says, staring at the back of Enjolras’ head. “Look, it’s one thing taking me home when I’m drunk – for safety and all that – but I’m not even drunk right now. So. What am I doing here?”

Enjolras stays silent and Grantaire bites his lip, staring at the back of Enjolras’ head, waiting for him to say something. Anything.

When he doesn’t, Grantaire takes a deep breath and a big risk. Hesitantly, he asks, “Do you _want_ me here?”

“Grantaire,” Enjolras says, slowly, and it comes across like a warning. “Please, don’t.”

Grantaire shakes his head, frowning. “No. What’s going on here, Enjolras?”

Enjolras rolls over to face him, and in the bed they’re almost nose to nose. Grantaire can see the shine of Enjolras’ blue eyes in the darkness. In the long pause, Grantaire hesitantly lifts a hand and trials his fingers lightly down the side of Enjolras’ face. Enjolras lowers his eyes, looking down at the slight space between them. “I don’t know,” he whispers eventually.

“Enjolras,” Grantaire breathes. “You know that I- How I feel about you, and I want to understand what’s happening here, because honestly it’s driving me crazy. Sleeping next to you is- Well, it’s hard for me, but you keep inviting me here, and I’ll always follow. But I need to know what’s going on here.” He shakes his head a little, and brushes a few strands of Enjolras’ hair back from his face.

One of Enjolras’ hands moves to touch him, brushing up over his stomach to rest on his side. His eyes flicker up to look Grantaire straight in the eye. He looks away almost instantly, and curls up, ducking his head and moving to be closer to Grantaire. “Please don’t leave,” Enjolras begs, his voice so quiet that Grantaire wouldn’t have been sure that he’d actually said it, if he hadn’t felt Enjolras’ jaw move where it’s pressed to his chest.

Grantaire, heart beating fast, too fast, acts instinctively, curling an arm around Enjolras and holding him. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Enjolras is already gone when he wakes up, and Grantaire slowly dresses before slumping back to his own shitty apartment to shower and drink.

-

Every time they argue at the _Musain_ , Grantaire thinks that he’s really messed up this time – that Enjolras isn’t going to take him home at the end of the night – but no matter how bad the argument was, Enjolras is always waiting for him, hand outstretched. They curl up together under the sheets of Enjolras’ bed, and they don’t talk about it.

Almost a month after the first night Enjolras had taken him home, Grantaire is completely sober for the walk to Enjolras’. Their hands are linked as they walk along the pavement, and Grantaire feels ill with nerves.

When they reach Enjolras’, and Enjolras heads straight for the bedroom, tugging Grantaire along with him, Grantaire refuses.

“Grantaire?” Enjolras asks, confusion in his voice as Grantaire just stands there, looking at him. “What’s wrong?”

Their hands are still clasped, but there’s an arm’s length between them.

“I can’t do this, anymore,” Grantaire says. Enjolras blinks. His mouth parts a little.

“What do you mean?” Enjolras asks, taking a step back towards Grantaire.

Grantaire lets go of his hand and takes a step back. “I mean I can’t come home with you every night. I can’t lie next to you and try to sleep. I can’t do this anymore.” Enjolras frowns, so Grantaire says, “You need to think about what it is you really want, because I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be in love with you and be next to you.”

Enjolras looks completely lost for words, and Grantaire almost wants to laugh at the dumbfounded expression on his face.

“Enjolras, I want you to answer one question for me. Don’t think about it; just give your immediate answer.”

Enjolras nods, slowly. “Okay, go on.”

“What do you want?”

“I want you to stay,” Enjolras says immediately.

Grantaire gives him a weak smile. “I can’t.”

“Why not?” Enjolras asks, and if Grantaire didn’t know better, he would say that it sounds like Enjolras is pleading with him.

“Because your answer was two words too long,” he says. Enjolras blinks, looking utterly shocked. Grantaire uses his surprise to his advantage and opens the door to leave. “Why don’t you think about why it is you want me to stay so much, and then get back to me?”

He doesn’t wait for an answer, shutting the door behind him as carefully as he can.

That night he curls up in his own bed and tries desperately to think about anything but Enjolras.

-

The moment Grantaire gets to the _Musain_ , two days later, Enjolras walks straight up to him. Grantaire flinches, glancing around at the room. Most everyone looks surprised, save for Courfeyrac and Combeferre.

“We need to talk,” Enjolras says.

Grantaire keeps his eyes fixed on the floor. “About what?” he asks, in a quieter voice than Enjolras is using.

“About us.”

Grantaire looks up sharply. Everyone is outright staring at this point. “You want to talk about this here?” Grantaire asks.

“Why did you always come with me?” Enjolras asks.

Irritation surges through Grantaire. “Oh, you _know_ why. We’ve been over this. That’s not the question that needs answering. The question is why did you always ask me to?”

Enjolras doesn’t answer, for a long enough moment that Grantaire sighs and starts to move past him. Enjolras grabs his arm and yanks him back. “Grantaire-”

“Get off me,” Grantaire growls. “You don’t get to touch me; you don’t get to sleep with me. In fact, don’t even look at me.”

Enjolras lets go of him instantly.

“I’m sick of you playing with me,” Grantaire tells him, angrily. “You ask me over to your place night after night, you ask me to stay with you, you tell me that you don’t want to see me hurt, and even through all that you’re fucking oblivious.”

“Grantaire, I’m trying-”

“Try fucking harder!” Grantaire explodes. “I’m in love with you and you can’t be bothered to figure out why you want me around.”

“Because I love you too,” Enjolras yells.

Silence floods the room.

Enjolras looks horrified.

Grantaire feels a little sick. Enjolras looks like he wishes he could take that back, and Grantaire shoves him away. “Don’t come near me.”

“Grantaire-” Enjolras says, weakly.

“It takes you an eternity to figure that out, and now, God, Enjolras, you look like you can’t bear the thought of being in love with me. So no, I’m not coming back to yours tonight, or any night. You can fuck right off.” Grantaire shoves him away again as Enjolras tries to take a step towards him, even as tears are rapidly flooding his eyes. “No,” he spits. “Do you know how many years I’ve been dying to hear you say that to me? Just last week I probably _would_ have died just for you to tell me that you loved me.”

“If you’d just-” Enjolras begs.

“The way you said it, is not the way I want to hear it,” Grantaire continues, ignoring Enjolras quiet pleas.

Enjolras freezes, then. “You don’t want me to love you?” he asks, with a frown.

“I do want you to love me,” Grantaire replies, feeling like this conversation is taking everything he has, “but I want you to love me as if you’re happy about it. I want you to say it and look like it’s a _good_ thing.”

Enjolras’ hand wraps around Grantaire’s wrist, tugging him closer. Grantaire stumbles forwards and looks up at him with wide eyes.

“Grantaire,” Enjolras says, quietly. “Please, let me speak.”

Grantaire’s lower lip trembles, and he glances around, self-consciously. A few duck their heads, ashamed, but most just keep on watching, eyes wide.

“Grantaire,” Enjolras whispers, “I kept asking you to come back to mine because I desperately wanted you around. I wanted you near me and I wanted to spend time with you. I didn’t know why but I was drawn to you. I couldn’t believe my luck when you kept coming with me, and when you didn’t push me away.”

“Of course I didn’t push you away, you knew I was-”

“Grantaire, I’m not done,” Enjolras interrupts, sounding a little amused. “But then you started asking me why I was doing what I was doing, and I wasn’t lying when I said I didn’t know. Saying ‘I just want you around’ sounded a little weak, but the truth is I am completely in love with you.”

“Enjolras, I-”

“Don’t. I wanted to make sure you were okay, all those times when you were clearly way too drunk to get home yourself, but honestly most of the time I just wanted you around. That’s why I kept inviting you back, drunk or not. I- I’m so in love with you, it’s fucking terrifying, Grantaire.”

One of Enjolras’ hands is still wrapped about Grantaire’s wrist, and the other comes up to lightly trace Grantaire’s jawline. He tucks Grantaire’s hair behind his ear, making Grantaire shiver slightly.

“Please, don’t leave me,” Enjolras whispers, hardly a breath away.

A whine slips from between Grantaire’s teeth, and his breath comes in short bursts.

“Don’t leave me,” Enjolras repeats.

Grantaire stares up at Enjolras, searing for some sign that this is real in his eyes.

Eventually, he whispers, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Enjolras’ face simply crumples and he throws himself forwards, wrapping his arms tightly around Grantaire and holding him tightly. Grantaire’s arms come up to hug him back, face buried in Enjolras chest.

“I love you,” Enjolras whispers, fiercely.

“And I love you,” Grantaire replies, his heart pounding so fast he can only hear Enjolras’ breathing and its beating.

When Enjolras pulls away, looking down at him, face alight with what can only be joy, his hands brush Grantaire’s hair back. Grantaire looks up at him, tears slipping down his face, and he goes up on his tiptoes to gently press a kiss to Enjolras’ lips.

One of Enjolras hands slides round to the back of Grantaire’s head, fingers twisting into his hair, and he kisses back.

Grantaire goes home with Enjolras that night, and as they lie beneath the sheets, Enjolras presses kisses to the back of Grantaire’s neck, holding him tightly; as if he fears Grantaire will leave otherwise.

Grantaire’s not going anywhere.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading :) all mistakes are my own, and i hope you enjoyed this short fic.
> 
> I have a writing blog: theskyis-forever come say hi and leave a prompt :)  
> Also, if you enjoyed this: [buy me a coffee?](http://ko-fi.com/A831F9U)


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